I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
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Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Finally, an explanation.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool