[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
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me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.