cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
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I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Always…
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.