If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
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*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat