Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
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BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
If only
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.