my one true gender
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This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.