Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
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[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.