What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
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If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
How actors in movies eat their food
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.