My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
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Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣