Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
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You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
What kind of a cult is this?
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.