commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
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The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now