i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
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When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”