Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
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my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
kevin is now a local weatherman
u spoke cat all this time??????
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊