Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
You Might Also Like
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?