Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
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Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Heroic Misunderstanding
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”