Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
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People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.