-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
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me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Stop sending me this shit.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.