I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
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Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]