Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
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*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
“HELP WITH CAT”
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.