Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
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I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Banking tips
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup