Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
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At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill