My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
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Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
back to work
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big