When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
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The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.