I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
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I want to know about the Oreo incident…
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Me trying to reach for my goals
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*