Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
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Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship