Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
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If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart