My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
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Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
A drum solo but on your face.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind