Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
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FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
No Google it does not
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.