You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
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Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Can’t, holding a grudge
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
stand with me against insufficient seating
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Okey dokey.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?