My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
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I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
need him
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.