My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
You Might Also Like
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
🖤✌🏽
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired