News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
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kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
This has made my week.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…