*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
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Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”