Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
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[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.