“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
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One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.