Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
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I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Cause of death: Zumba
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”