Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
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#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
(Musicians.)
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*