Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
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I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I didn’t come here to be called names
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.