“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
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You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.