man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
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Coffee is ready.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]