Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
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Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
If a snake ate a cake
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself