I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
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I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”