At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
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When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.