The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
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I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
my professor scared me for a second
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
any last words?
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.