It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
You Might Also Like
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
I’m not wrong
LMAO
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Do not levitate over flowers
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.