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Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Does your wife know you’re single?
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Vodka burrito was a success
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.