Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
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Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
this is the best day of my life
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone