Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
You Might Also Like
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.