And now we wait
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I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*