My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
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Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
This was the best day of my life
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”